my dirty little secrets.
Sunday, November 30, 2003
i've tried so hard.yet unable to achieve
when life seems far too dishellved...
im now living..in peace?hmms.nvm la.
suddenly missing mrlin.haikx.
as in..his workout lahs..cos sir's one so rubbish..
lin is at least more effective and productive too.
i feel more sense of satisfication.hee. =)
tink i twisted my foot yest.wn running canal.
yikes.havin difficulties walking straight.
workout was wad kind of a shit??
6 rnds of canal.6 rnd stadium..
abt 8 km ++ lorh.eeks.so horrendous pls..i din complete..
juz tired.dowana turn up for trng nemore.
cos..feel that i slacked so much leh.
my speed n stamina is like how freakin slow rite now?..
im lost for words abt myself.ntg can explain e state im in now.
are disorted..so luan..etg in a big mess i can out back 2gether.
n perhaps..its high time i can see a doctor too..
runnnin a temperature.stomach flu.cough.
yucks.but im too stubborn.dowana take medicine.
juz a panadol each day n i pray to b fine.
i dun care about e pain i suffer anymore.
cos wn tgs are screwed u juz long a day 2 die.
n not existing liao..cos it dun make a diff to anyone at all.
u juz feel lik stoppin rite here..
not going on.juz STOP!dun care wads arnd u.
blearghs.whtr its a gd idea..i dunnoe.
but..but..i tink.i tink.i shud have more confidence in myslef.
juz that lil bit will do.cos i noe..tis cant go on lidat.
i probably live in tears n stuff.n i dun iwsh 4 tht..yea..
crapping a good way to distress.hee..
juz tok rubbish.n u'll b fine.e weak side of u..doesnt reveal.
juz lik nicole.we're one of a kind.
both all so cheerful wn 2gether..
yet deep inside..a total opp.tears n stress fills it.
encouragement we both do need.so we help each other giving it.
harhars.thankful to have a fren lik her..
pankhurst.track.council.stress.long-d..woo.so similar..
but its not as tho we tell each other alot of tgs.
but juz enjoy the company larhs.yupps.nvm.. =)
sighsighsisgh.haven done much at all.
i dun seem 2 b able 2 accept e fact tt im gonna b a senior.
its so soon.n 2003 pass damn freag fast.
juz a twinkle of an eye.n sec 1 life's over.
i haven enjoyed it yet..indeed a very disturbed year.
where conflicts appeared all 2gether.
n commitments sarted running loose..
dere showed my capabiltites.but soon..
i noe..i do know.i'll b left wif none..
track flying free..soon will be house.
n next.b4 i know.i b juz a councillor.
or perhaps.juz an ordinary crescentian lik every1 else.
i dun mind being usual.
but e1 different in a way or too..
dere's juz a special tg.tt lies in e heart of e1.
but wtr it has been discovered anot..
we dun know...
now.all i pray for..is to kp etg wif me.
i dun wish to let go.else.tears will go wif it.
i long for a day.where i cld be wif all i ever wanted..
i juz wana lead normally.
i dowan ple sayin tis n that..
negative thots are foever filling me..i dun care.
i TRIED being positive once,yet to no avail..
no point trying agn.wn i noe,at e end of e day.i'll lose agn.
its not face that i wan.i juz wan2 break free.
from the stress thats capturing me...
my mind almost close to explosion
but each n every time..i try to hide.n kp my sad feelings.
i dowan it 2 b known to e1..i juz only wan myself..to realise.
the pain im suffereing.
n yet.when i do tgs for ... i dun get wad i shud deserve.
ohwells.i try to forget.i hope i do.sighs.
i shant fret.a smile its all its takes. =D
nicole going to langkawi on e 3 to 7..*wails*
im gonna miss her so badly man..
my pacer is gone.a fren is gone.no one 2 pei wo during track camp.
*sobs* lonely n isloated i will b..but nvm.
anw..u enjoy urself yea??
dun forget to run on that long beach..
hehs.hahha.but nvm.its alrite to take a break 4 a while.
let your worries go..n dun tink so much.
dunid to feel guilty abt not trgn too.
yahh.rber to get me sth.*winks* heehee.
i say thankiew in advance.whee-.
yupp.take care of urself over dere..
i will be missing u.. =)
n tink my dear class chairperson is back liao.
*yay* hey yusheng.miss u loads.
hope u've enjoyed urself over at taiwan?..
hee.hope to see u soon.. =)
one's leaving one's back..
the feeling within me is mixed..i duno wad i can sae..heh.
afraidtolietooclosesorry
when life seems far too dishellved...
im now living..in peace?hmms.nvm la.
suddenly missing mrlin.haikx.
as in..his workout lahs..cos sir's one so rubbish..
lin is at least more effective and productive too.
i feel more sense of satisfication.hee. =)
tink i twisted my foot yest.wn running canal.
yikes.havin difficulties walking straight.
workout was wad kind of a shit??
6 rnds of canal.6 rnd stadium..
abt 8 km ++ lorh.eeks.so horrendous pls..i din complete..
juz tired.dowana turn up for trng nemore.
cos..feel that i slacked so much leh.
my speed n stamina is like how freakin slow rite now?..
im lost for words abt myself.ntg can explain e state im in now.
are disorted..so luan..etg in a big mess i can out back 2gether.
n perhaps..its high time i can see a doctor too..
runnnin a temperature.stomach flu.cough.
yucks.but im too stubborn.dowana take medicine.
juz a panadol each day n i pray to b fine.
i dun care about e pain i suffer anymore.
cos wn tgs are screwed u juz long a day 2 die.
n not existing liao..cos it dun make a diff to anyone at all.
u juz feel lik stoppin rite here..
not going on.juz STOP!dun care wads arnd u.
blearghs.whtr its a gd idea..i dunnoe.
but..but..i tink.i tink.i shud have more confidence in myslef.
juz that lil bit will do.cos i noe..tis cant go on lidat.
i probably live in tears n stuff.n i dun iwsh 4 tht..yea..
crapping a good way to distress.hee..
juz tok rubbish.n u'll b fine.e weak side of u..doesnt reveal.
juz lik nicole.we're one of a kind.
both all so cheerful wn 2gether..
yet deep inside..a total opp.tears n stress fills it.
encouragement we both do need.so we help each other giving it.
harhars.thankful to have a fren lik her..
pankhurst.track.council.stress.long-d..woo.so similar..
but its not as tho we tell each other alot of tgs.
but juz enjoy the company larhs.yupps.nvm.. =)
sighsighsisgh.haven done much at all.
i dun seem 2 b able 2 accept e fact tt im gonna b a senior.
its so soon.n 2003 pass damn freag fast.
juz a twinkle of an eye.n sec 1 life's over.
i haven enjoyed it yet..indeed a very disturbed year.
where conflicts appeared all 2gether.
n commitments sarted running loose..
dere showed my capabiltites.but soon..
i noe..i do know.i'll b left wif none..
track flying free..soon will be house.
n next.b4 i know.i b juz a councillor.
or perhaps.juz an ordinary crescentian lik every1 else.
i dun mind being usual.
but e1 different in a way or too..
dere's juz a special tg.tt lies in e heart of e1.
but wtr it has been discovered anot..
we dun know...
now.all i pray for..is to kp etg wif me.
i dun wish to let go.else.tears will go wif it.
i long for a day.where i cld be wif all i ever wanted..
i juz wana lead normally.
i dowan ple sayin tis n that..
negative thots are foever filling me..i dun care.
i TRIED being positive once,yet to no avail..
no point trying agn.wn i noe,at e end of e day.i'll lose agn.
its not face that i wan.i juz wan2 break free.
from the stress thats capturing me...
my mind almost close to explosion
but each n every time..i try to hide.n kp my sad feelings.
i dowan it 2 b known to e1..i juz only wan myself..to realise.
the pain im suffereing.
n yet.when i do tgs for ... i dun get wad i shud deserve.
ohwells.i try to forget.i hope i do.sighs.
i shant fret.a smile its all its takes. =D
nicole going to langkawi on e 3 to 7..*wails*
im gonna miss her so badly man..
my pacer is gone.a fren is gone.no one 2 pei wo during track camp.
*sobs* lonely n isloated i will b..but nvm.
anw..u enjoy urself yea??
dun forget to run on that long beach..
hehs.hahha.but nvm.its alrite to take a break 4 a while.
let your worries go..n dun tink so much.
dunid to feel guilty abt not trgn too.
yahh.rber to get me sth.*winks* heehee.
i say thankiew in advance.whee-.
yupp.take care of urself over dere..
i will be missing u.. =)
n tink my dear class chairperson is back liao.
*yay* hey yusheng.miss u loads.
hope u've enjoyed urself over at taiwan?..
hee.hope to see u soon.. =)
one's leaving one's back..
the feeling within me is mixed..i duno wad i can sae..heh.
afraidtolietooclosesorry
the girl next door;
Sunday, November 23, 2003
as time passes slowly.so many tgs haf happened.
living in this world tht seems so screwed.
juz hoping to give up whenever possible.
but yet there are always ple encouraging me to go on.
n not to stop.despite e endless pains its causing me.
all these times.during trngs...haf been havin aches alot.
if this continues.perhaps i shud juz go n die..
not knowing where my hope and faith went to..
but all i noe.its not within me anymore
now.dunnoe wad else to expect.cos i dun believe i can.
n i dun want to believe i can either.
3 weeks passed liao.woahh.so fast..
its doesnt seem as tho i;ve done much.
e mood for studying gone allady.
haiks.but yet i still have so muhc to do.
so still thinkin of brainwashing myself.
cos tis week..simply spent too many hours juz stoning n rotting.
sit anywhere.juz tink n tink n tink.
till im in dreamland.wads happenin to me?
bring so crappy nowadays..ony reason.
to refrain me from tinking abt stuff upsettin me.
dowana affect my mood.
i dun tell anyone anything.mms.
no a single one.i confide to.
ask around.doubt anyone wld dare to say i tell them my problems.
im juz sumone who keeps everything.to myself.
good or bad.i dunnoe.i dowana let others noe abt me.
afraid to make them more troubled then ever.
so all i need is a smile on my face.n laugh all i want.
cracking sum sort of lame jokes.
making everyone laugh at it.
malu n tease me etime now.heeh.
dun mind all these.seeing my frens so happy.
im glad for them.but yet deep inside them.
i noe.eveyone has their own problems.
but the way the handle it.its teh tg tt makes a difference.
some choose to tell ple.but yet others.as quiet as anytg.
whichever category they might fall in.
hmms.its alrite.juz take life easy.n tgs wld go fine.
dun tink so much of failures.
dun let setbacks make u so sad.
juz keep going on.you will only get better..yeah.
not as tho im one of them.
but sumtimes i can make a good listener.n a good encourager
serious de.im not joking lorhs.
cross country team.haiks.dun dare to tink anymore.
scared ill fall as usual.that negative soul.still in me.
ohwell.all takes time to heal.will get over it.
i wun tink too much.n try not to stone liao.
gaze in the air.ntg in my head.kaos.
so freaky..yikes.n wn ple call my name.
i will be like "uhh?"
happened so mnay freag times tis wk.
wun let it happen again...
reli will concentrate liao.
or at most i hope i will.cos i gotta get my hw done n stuff?
yeayea.i dunno wad to do abt me.my life.my thots.
sighs.not getting any better.
but juz hoping that others wld win me..in track.
cos i see all those more committed ones.
turnign up for trngs more often.
they'll be better.much better.all takes practice.
giving up track?a thot i've always considered.haik.
ohyahh.im so happy for my cousin lorh.
got 268 for her psle le..
so bang.if only i was tht smart.hehs.
but she oso dowana go rgs.so nvm.
but GREAT job. :)
n tis year..rgps dunno wad happen.
dun have a single top scorer liao.eeks.
so saddening.last year all came from there.
*wails* haik.nvm.hope they do better next yr lohs.
n i tink e papers made mistake lehs.
cos teh top indian pupil isnt from rgps ritex?
unless im wrong?ohwells.wadever lahs.
n anw..those councilliors invloved in sec 1 registration/orientation.
juz incase u all din receive the msg.
there's a breifing on 26 nov.(wed) 9am at mini forum.
yepps.its compulsory.see u there. ;)
living in this world tht seems so screwed.
juz hoping to give up whenever possible.
but yet there are always ple encouraging me to go on.
n not to stop.despite e endless pains its causing me.
all these times.during trngs...haf been havin aches alot.
if this continues.perhaps i shud juz go n die..
not knowing where my hope and faith went to..
but all i noe.its not within me anymore
now.dunnoe wad else to expect.cos i dun believe i can.
n i dun want to believe i can either.
3 weeks passed liao.woahh.so fast..
its doesnt seem as tho i;ve done much.
e mood for studying gone allady.
haiks.but yet i still have so muhc to do.
so still thinkin of brainwashing myself.
cos tis week..simply spent too many hours juz stoning n rotting.
sit anywhere.juz tink n tink n tink.
till im in dreamland.wads happenin to me?
bring so crappy nowadays..ony reason.
to refrain me from tinking abt stuff upsettin me.
dowana affect my mood.
i dun tell anyone anything.mms.
no a single one.i confide to.
ask around.doubt anyone wld dare to say i tell them my problems.
im juz sumone who keeps everything.to myself.
good or bad.i dunnoe.i dowana let others noe abt me.
afraid to make them more troubled then ever.
so all i need is a smile on my face.n laugh all i want.
cracking sum sort of lame jokes.
making everyone laugh at it.
malu n tease me etime now.heeh.
dun mind all these.seeing my frens so happy.
im glad for them.but yet deep inside them.
i noe.eveyone has their own problems.
but the way the handle it.its teh tg tt makes a difference.
some choose to tell ple.but yet others.as quiet as anytg.
whichever category they might fall in.
hmms.its alrite.juz take life easy.n tgs wld go fine.
dun tink so much of failures.
dun let setbacks make u so sad.
juz keep going on.you will only get better..yeah.
not as tho im one of them.
but sumtimes i can make a good listener.n a good encourager
serious de.im not joking lorhs.
cross country team.haiks.dun dare to tink anymore.
scared ill fall as usual.that negative soul.still in me.
ohwell.all takes time to heal.will get over it.
i wun tink too much.n try not to stone liao.
gaze in the air.ntg in my head.kaos.
so freaky..yikes.n wn ple call my name.
i will be like "uhh?"
happened so mnay freag times tis wk.
wun let it happen again...
reli will concentrate liao.
or at most i hope i will.cos i gotta get my hw done n stuff?
yeayea.i dunno wad to do abt me.my life.my thots.
sighs.not getting any better.
but juz hoping that others wld win me..in track.
cos i see all those more committed ones.
turnign up for trngs more often.
they'll be better.much better.all takes practice.
giving up track?a thot i've always considered.haik.
ohyahh.im so happy for my cousin lorh.
got 268 for her psle le..
so bang.if only i was tht smart.hehs.
but she oso dowana go rgs.so nvm.
but GREAT job. :)
n tis year..rgps dunno wad happen.
dun have a single top scorer liao.eeks.
so saddening.last year all came from there.
*wails* haik.nvm.hope they do better next yr lohs.
n i tink e papers made mistake lehs.
cos teh top indian pupil isnt from rgps ritex?
unless im wrong?ohwells.wadever lahs.
n anw..those councilliors invloved in sec 1 registration/orientation.
juz incase u all din receive the msg.
there's a breifing on 26 nov.(wed) 9am at mini forum.
yepps.its compulsory.see u there. ;)
the girl next door;
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
todae's a bad day.hoping it will never happen agn.
was reli terrible.never felt worst.
can barely feel my limbs..aching aft a atrocious workout.
okay.maybe only for me.wth.nvm.
i dun tink i'll go far in track.wif e kind of results..
i will never make it.seriously.haikx.
got no one else to blame for e state im in..sigh.
reli feeling so shi-bai todae.my workout?
hiax.not even to mention it kays.wth.
my timing was horrendous.n i was lagging far behind e rest.
about 100m away.woah.not far at all wad.tsk.
thanks to my leg.i cudnt run..almost fainted.but hadta go on..
a european man came along todae.was in charge of e long-d.
dunnoe wif that was god or bad..
lin and him said my drills were pretty well done.hehx.
workout--> 1000m * 3..sounds good?
ohwells.maybe not for me at all.sighs.
i was made to hold 2 decomposed leaves in each of my hand.
ensuring it doesnt break by e end of the run.
wth.din even noe e use of it.in fact.it obstucted my runnin hellalot.
neminds.i dun care lah.cos todae..haik.so slacked .like atg.
n now.im happily regretting my decision to go in2 x-country.
after my last run.heard lin teling e european.
"tt girl did long jump tis year.n she WANTS 2 go into long-d"
my tian.almot fainted.n even wn i ended last in my runs.
lin said i did i GREAT job?mms?
wad was he tinking?erts..juz showed tt he had lil confidence in me.
haiks.he todl e guy i had potential.
but now..on second thots.i dun tink i'll b able 2 make it lehs.
how??how??how?? i dunnoe.
my legs juz hurting like crazy now.i've never experienced tis pain b4..
so hurtful.yeah.n i felt so failure.i tot i slacked..
but i realised.that was juz my limits.i wun go far.please.
tahst juz the truth.i cant deny..
when i did so freakin badly in my runs..
i burst.so badly..but i was alone..
cos the rest went ahead,n i was told to take a break.
i reli wanetd to gif up half-way thru e last run..but.
its always better to complete it regardless of the timin uh?
hmms.duno wad im tinking..now..mixed feelings..
but God was nice..he cried with me..
sending showers of rain down to earth.accompanyin me thru-out my cooldown.
yepps.perhaps im fortunate?? :|
haik.heard the other x-country runners sayin tt todae's workout was e best.
but yet.i felt otherwise..haiyahs.so sick.reli cant do it.
that comment juz made me feel more demoralised.haiya.a shi-bai pls.
juz hate to gif up.but the determination had juz disappeared.
vanished.making me grow so numb.so immune.
n suddenly.feel like quittin track???
y that decision? not very certain also..
cos my tears were slowy trickling down my cheeks.drop by drop.
i shuddnt have transferred to cross-country..
i shud have juz remained as that small fry.a lonf jumper
i cud haf juz b contented wif wad i once had.
cos.now..im left with probably ntg at all.yikes.
i dun desire tis.i had been givin myself too much stress perhaps?
quitting track wld leave me free..not so stressed?sighs.
pressurized.pressurized.pressurized.
i dun liek tis feeling.its juz so yucky.
i cant feel my legs.hopin to amputate it ritex now.
i cant stand tis liao.
i dunnoe if its cos of the run at turf city ydae..
teh terrain.so different.perhaps i've sprained it there.no idea..
cross country team 2004?? mms. wld i make it dere?
selections wld be soon.according to lin.
cos the heats on teh 29/29 feb n finals 3 march.
its cuming reli soon.but anyways.i sudnt be worried.
cos i wldnt be part of it wad.so no point gettin frustrated..
workouts were supposed 2 b like 80%??
but seems as tho im putting in my 100% while others 80%?
erts.wth.failure.*shakes head*
now im getting so afraid.cos i tink.i tink..
i have reached my peak.so scared.thats the truth.
cos i reli dowan it to b e truth.but If it is.i cant deny..
n IF, IF i was part of the team.
i wld juz pull all of them down rite down to e drain.
i thot abt it for sucha long time kays.
n todae's journey home alone.brought me further.
needed sumone to knock sum sense into me lorhs.
btu unfortunately..no one was arnd.mayb juz 4 todae.
nvm.i will survive.i will try.
shall n will take a break tmr.
BUT.actuallie.tmr was supposed to be slogyourgutstillyoudie day lehs.
dun exactly wan my efforts to go to a waste.
cos i wanna concentrate much of alot in studies?
yarhhs.i wanna do well.seriously.
expectations juz gets higher..as day gies by...
wanting to do well far so badly.
making me grow nuts..becomin dumber too.yikes.
forget it.i dun give a damn.sighs.
my legs hurts still.but head too.
i've gotta cure tis leg of mine please.
no longer can go on lidat lehs.sighs.
might as well juz chop it off.den not a tracker.can juz go n die.
haiks.wadever.tis is real madness.i've gone bonkers liao le.
okies.wadever.wadever.wadever.
dun see e need to carry on living.
i mean wads the damn point?juz letting e1 down time n time agn.
only reason 4 my existence is 4 those who care 4 me.
yeah.anw.im sorry.those who msged.
sorry 4 not replying.no mood.very bad in fact.
*slaps* sorry lahs. i dun seem 2 b able toged over tis failure.haik.
was reli terrible.never felt worst.
can barely feel my limbs..aching aft a atrocious workout.
okay.maybe only for me.wth.nvm.
i dun tink i'll go far in track.wif e kind of results..
i will never make it.seriously.haikx.
got no one else to blame for e state im in..sigh.
reli feeling so shi-bai todae.my workout?
hiax.not even to mention it kays.wth.
my timing was horrendous.n i was lagging far behind e rest.
about 100m away.woah.not far at all wad.tsk.
thanks to my leg.i cudnt run..almost fainted.but hadta go on..
a european man came along todae.was in charge of e long-d.
dunnoe wif that was god or bad..
lin and him said my drills were pretty well done.hehx.
workout--> 1000m * 3..sounds good?
ohwells.maybe not for me at all.sighs.
i was made to hold 2 decomposed leaves in each of my hand.
ensuring it doesnt break by e end of the run.
wth.din even noe e use of it.in fact.it obstucted my runnin hellalot.
neminds.i dun care lah.cos todae..haik.so slacked .like atg.
n now.im happily regretting my decision to go in2 x-country.
after my last run.heard lin teling e european.
"tt girl did long jump tis year.n she WANTS 2 go into long-d"
my tian.almot fainted.n even wn i ended last in my runs.
lin said i did i GREAT job?mms?
wad was he tinking?erts..juz showed tt he had lil confidence in me.
haiks.he todl e guy i had potential.
but now..on second thots.i dun tink i'll b able 2 make it lehs.
how??how??how?? i dunnoe.
my legs juz hurting like crazy now.i've never experienced tis pain b4..
so hurtful.yeah.n i felt so failure.i tot i slacked..
but i realised.that was juz my limits.i wun go far.please.
tahst juz the truth.i cant deny..
when i did so freakin badly in my runs..
i burst.so badly..but i was alone..
cos the rest went ahead,n i was told to take a break.
i reli wanetd to gif up half-way thru e last run..but.
its always better to complete it regardless of the timin uh?
hmms.duno wad im tinking..now..mixed feelings..
but God was nice..he cried with me..
sending showers of rain down to earth.accompanyin me thru-out my cooldown.
yepps.perhaps im fortunate?? :|
haik.heard the other x-country runners sayin tt todae's workout was e best.
but yet.i felt otherwise..haiyahs.so sick.reli cant do it.
that comment juz made me feel more demoralised.haiya.a shi-bai pls.
juz hate to gif up.but the determination had juz disappeared.
vanished.making me grow so numb.so immune.
n suddenly.feel like quittin track???
y that decision? not very certain also..
cos my tears were slowy trickling down my cheeks.drop by drop.
i shuddnt have transferred to cross-country..
i shud have juz remained as that small fry.a lonf jumper
i cud haf juz b contented wif wad i once had.
cos.now..im left with probably ntg at all.yikes.
i dun desire tis.i had been givin myself too much stress perhaps?
quitting track wld leave me free..not so stressed?sighs.
pressurized.pressurized.pressurized.
i dun liek tis feeling.its juz so yucky.
i cant feel my legs.hopin to amputate it ritex now.
i cant stand tis liao.
i dunnoe if its cos of the run at turf city ydae..
teh terrain.so different.perhaps i've sprained it there.no idea..
cross country team 2004?? mms. wld i make it dere?
selections wld be soon.according to lin.
cos the heats on teh 29/29 feb n finals 3 march.
its cuming reli soon.but anyways.i sudnt be worried.
cos i wldnt be part of it wad.so no point gettin frustrated..
workouts were supposed 2 b like 80%??
but seems as tho im putting in my 100% while others 80%?
erts.wth.failure.*shakes head*
now im getting so afraid.cos i tink.i tink..
i have reached my peak.so scared.thats the truth.
cos i reli dowan it to b e truth.but If it is.i cant deny..
n IF, IF i was part of the team.
i wld juz pull all of them down rite down to e drain.
i thot abt it for sucha long time kays.
n todae's journey home alone.brought me further.
needed sumone to knock sum sense into me lorhs.
btu unfortunately..no one was arnd.mayb juz 4 todae.
nvm.i will survive.i will try.
shall n will take a break tmr.
BUT.actuallie.tmr was supposed to be slogyourgutstillyoudie day lehs.
dun exactly wan my efforts to go to a waste.
cos i wanna concentrate much of alot in studies?
yarhhs.i wanna do well.seriously.
expectations juz gets higher..as day gies by...
wanting to do well far so badly.
making me grow nuts..becomin dumber too.yikes.
forget it.i dun give a damn.sighs.
my legs hurts still.but head too.
i've gotta cure tis leg of mine please.
no longer can go on lidat lehs.sighs.
might as well juz chop it off.den not a tracker.can juz go n die.
haiks.wadever.tis is real madness.i've gone bonkers liao le.
okies.wadever.wadever.wadever.
dun see e need to carry on living.
i mean wads the damn point?juz letting e1 down time n time agn.
only reason 4 my existence is 4 those who care 4 me.
yeah.anw.im sorry.those who msged.
sorry 4 not replying.no mood.very bad in fact.
*slaps* sorry lahs. i dun seem 2 b able toged over tis failure.haik.
the girl next door;
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Feeling so lost and unsure,
Feeling so strange and insecure.
Never felt this way before.
Not knowing where I'm going anymore.
Everytime I close my eyes at night.
I pray never to wake to see morning's light.
I know this pain just ain't right.
Why does it seem I've lost control and lost sight.
Please just take the pain away.
make it all go away.
Please Tell me the right words to say.
Show me where to find the faith.
I walk down the street
I feel all their eyes on me.
Even when I try to sleep,
The insecurity never leaves me
Even the places that made me feel alive,
Are the places that hold memories that died.
I wish I didn't feel this way inside.
Too shameful to break down and cry.
Now I'm left with wondering why.
This sweet depression stays by my side.
Feeling so strange and insecure.
Never felt this way before.
Not knowing where I'm going anymore.
Everytime I close my eyes at night.
I pray never to wake to see morning's light.
I know this pain just ain't right.
Why does it seem I've lost control and lost sight.
Please just take the pain away.
make it all go away.
Please Tell me the right words to say.
Show me where to find the faith.
I walk down the street
I feel all their eyes on me.
Even when I try to sleep,
The insecurity never leaves me
Even the places that made me feel alive,
Are the places that hold memories that died.
I wish I didn't feel this way inside.
Too shameful to break down and cry.
Now I'm left with wondering why.
This sweet depression stays by my side.
the girl next door;
Saturday, November 15, 2003
arghx.irritated.my mood cudnt ged better 2dae.
wads wrong wif me.haiyahs.sighs.
my life cudnt get better either.yikes.nvm.
trng todae.kaos.so tiring.one hour run.
route was how boring.but nvm.thats our workout anyways.
felt terrible half way.wanted to gif up.
but..on second thots,,maybe not?
wadeveer ah...went back home alone.
the journey damn quiet n peaceful.
so eerie.but juz e right time 4 me 2 reflect.mms.
i started to drift.long time since i thot abt my xin shi.
tears..sighs.cudnt tk it anymore.
n things juz din wana go my way.pigg.
press the bell in e bus.stoopid driver nv stop.
go all e way e jurong point.nv aloght me.
damn freakin idiot.i was like how pissed can?
make me make an extra journey.freak.
TIBS733B..the bus plate no.at 12.15.
haha.so irritated liaox.mk me feel worse only.
n i stomped right home.haiya.
was freagin disappointed in myself.
dunoe y.wanna noe y..
more than tt.juz gt far alot more qns rushin thru my head.
leaving me 2 ponder but yet no answers.
tink tink n tink.resulting in bad headache too.sigh.
juz pure trainings n studies.
kaos.reli very body-draining.
tho my body can still take it NOW..but yet..
i cant be too sure of teh future.im afraid.to fall again..
eday..teh same old ting.the same old routine.
reli ntg special in my life.i dun wish to continue..
i wanted to give up in etg.all connections to b gone.
i dunnoe y.nto knowing y i even thot of tis.
cos i felt i was a failure.time n time n again.
i let etg arnd me down.sighs.i suck.yikes.
etime i tink of my past.i will only b left wif tears.n ntg more.
haix.i dunoe y.changed person.
hiding so many things inside?
not knowing who to tok to??confide??
my mind is juz swirling..cant barely concentrate.
cos keeping etg inside is not good i noe.
but i still let in out.in teh lame way..
tokin to non-living things.hahs.wad an idea
talk to my wall.tell IT my feelings.
haiya.dun exactly feel much better.juz a teeny wit bit i tink?
erts.i dunnoe lah.very fan.very irritated.wif no one else but myself
*slaps* i cant expect anymore from my friends.
dun reli expect em to b by my side.
nt knowing when ill be alrirte n not ok.
even if sad oso feign happy.
u see thru me.but aiya.im sorry.
not knowing how to explain.4 all my rashness n stuff
all my -wad kind of a shit- thinkin.
eeks.kays.seriously dunoe wads worth my time n wads not.
i need juz one person to brainwash me.hehs.
wadever lah.knowin e1 are bz wif their stuff.
perhaps.i'll cont living strong on my own..
i shudd believe i can do it.hmms.lik wad i;ve been teeling others.
so i jolly well better practise wad i preach.
kays..juz tinking abt my studies.??
hmms.can i reli take it if i cont to study aft trng.?
as in will i b able to absorb.?as much?
i tried todae.went home.washed up my teary face.
took a catnap.n studied,
at least i rbered etg i learnt todae.
from lit to maths to chinese.
whee- achievement lahs.butbutbut..
ififif..i always train study.train study.confirm die one.
yikes.den i will happily fail all my subjects.whacks*
kaes.shudnt b cursing myself.haiya.
im still irritated.sighsisghsigh..more white hair only.sigh.
mon still got trng at turf city.
heard from june tt e route pretty long n eerie-fied
haix.wonder if i'll b able to take it..sigh.
probably faint half way thru.AIYAS.sians.
nto as if i will run x-country nex yr lidat.but muz still work hard.
tmr dun go MacRitchie liao..
depression totally knocked me outta e mood to run or do any other tg.
kay.shi-bai person.sigh.wadever lahs.
wads wrong wif me.haiyahs.sighs.
my life cudnt get better either.yikes.nvm.
trng todae.kaos.so tiring.one hour run.
route was how boring.but nvm.thats our workout anyways.
felt terrible half way.wanted to gif up.
but..on second thots,,maybe not?
wadeveer ah...went back home alone.
the journey damn quiet n peaceful.
so eerie.but juz e right time 4 me 2 reflect.mms.
i started to drift.long time since i thot abt my xin shi.
tears..sighs.cudnt tk it anymore.
n things juz din wana go my way.pigg.
press the bell in e bus.stoopid driver nv stop.
go all e way e jurong point.nv aloght me.
damn freakin idiot.i was like how pissed can?
make me make an extra journey.freak.
TIBS733B..the bus plate no.at 12.15.
haha.so irritated liaox.mk me feel worse only.
n i stomped right home.haiya.
was freagin disappointed in myself.
dunoe y.wanna noe y..
more than tt.juz gt far alot more qns rushin thru my head.
leaving me 2 ponder but yet no answers.
tink tink n tink.resulting in bad headache too.sigh.
juz pure trainings n studies.
kaos.reli very body-draining.
tho my body can still take it NOW..but yet..
i cant be too sure of teh future.im afraid.to fall again..
eday..teh same old ting.the same old routine.
reli ntg special in my life.i dun wish to continue..
i wanted to give up in etg.all connections to b gone.
i dunnoe y.nto knowing y i even thot of tis.
cos i felt i was a failure.time n time n again.
i let etg arnd me down.sighs.i suck.yikes.
etime i tink of my past.i will only b left wif tears.n ntg more.
haix.i dunoe y.changed person.
hiding so many things inside?
not knowing who to tok to??confide??
my mind is juz swirling..cant barely concentrate.
cos keeping etg inside is not good i noe.
but i still let in out.in teh lame way..
tokin to non-living things.hahs.wad an idea
talk to my wall.tell IT my feelings.
haiya.dun exactly feel much better.juz a teeny wit bit i tink?
erts.i dunnoe lah.very fan.very irritated.wif no one else but myself
*slaps* i cant expect anymore from my friends.
dun reli expect em to b by my side.
nt knowing when ill be alrirte n not ok.
even if sad oso feign happy.
u see thru me.but aiya.im sorry.
not knowing how to explain.4 all my rashness n stuff
all my -wad kind of a shit- thinkin.
eeks.kays.seriously dunoe wads worth my time n wads not.
i need juz one person to brainwash me.hehs.
wadever lah.knowin e1 are bz wif their stuff.
perhaps.i'll cont living strong on my own..
i shudd believe i can do it.hmms.lik wad i;ve been teeling others.
so i jolly well better practise wad i preach.
kays..juz tinking abt my studies.??
hmms.can i reli take it if i cont to study aft trng.?
as in will i b able to absorb.?as much?
i tried todae.went home.washed up my teary face.
took a catnap.n studied,
at least i rbered etg i learnt todae.
from lit to maths to chinese.
whee- achievement lahs.butbutbut..
ififif..i always train study.train study.confirm die one.
yikes.den i will happily fail all my subjects.whacks*
kaes.shudnt b cursing myself.haiya.
im still irritated.sighsisghsigh..more white hair only.sigh.
mon still got trng at turf city.
heard from june tt e route pretty long n eerie-fied
haix.wonder if i'll b able to take it..sigh.
probably faint half way thru.AIYAS.sians.
nto as if i will run x-country nex yr lidat.but muz still work hard.
tmr dun go MacRitchie liao..
depression totally knocked me outta e mood to run or do any other tg.
kay.shi-bai person.sigh.wadever lahs.
the girl next door;
Sunday, November 09, 2003
hope and faith...i juz remembered.blah
the girl next door;
trng yest wasnt reli good.sigh.
e no. of ple cumin 4 track as days go by are dropping.
wonder y?izzit cos of e CCA?coach?time?or wad??
tot our track team cld b as united..together as 1..
turning up 4 all trngs.juz like how others love their CCA as much..
but for track..haikx.duno whtr its seriously possible lorhs.
din like workout..800m*5..so strenueous.
sigh.whole body aching..yikes.
may nt b cos of yest trng solely.
perhaps i have been trng too much..
cos there's tis voice in my heart ringing..
"i mustnt give up.i muz continue.show others wad im reli capable of"
n yest.lin told me i cld b a x-country runner liao.
cos apparently i;ve proved him wrong wif all my timings?
he said to kp up e gd work.winks*
i was happy to b complimented.but...
i noe my limits.i shudnt have too high goals.
4 im sure i'll collapse 1 fine day.
as usual i still gt he negative feeling in me.but nvm..
tink im setting too high of an expectaions of myself..
tiring myself out by trng every single day?..
sighsigh.hu ask me lidat? no one did.
its in me..all i can say..lalala...sigh..
i love track.thats e only reason y i wana do so well.
n now..b4 trng.study.after trng.study agn.
juz happily stressing myself out.hahx.nvm.tink i can still cope.
cos i wana do well in both.CCA n academic.hmms.
tho studies more impt.but track is juz as impt to me.
i understood even more..wn sir toked to me on fri at east coast.
where sec 1s flew aeroplanes wifout turning up..
haik.dun blame em.i noe they're tired aft all lin's workout.
its alrite..now i noe y arent we getting so many things.
sigh.guess we dun deserve it.by e attitude we're giving towards track.
its our fault...im too blame esp.4 nt motivating sec 1s??
wadever.jux another failure.i dun care..
went suntec/marina aft trng..
went to bowl.haha.damn bang..
my score was like 119 kays..
so shocked.aft so long.skills still not rusty.
den all my uncles/aunties all say my bowling style v chio..
haha.so gracefuk.like swan.
wahahah.even video-taped lohs.blushes*
haah.cos my hand v straight mah.haha.
den went marche..ate lik a pig sia..
total of $388 kaes.so freag much.
btu we had $500 voucher..so its alrite loh..
23 of us.chalked up so much.
tink i ate too much.aft grow fat.haha.shudd lah.
den went to shop shop arnd..
cld hardly bring myself to move my legs.juz too tired.haix
den mum n jie asked me wad happened..
as in..y i drifted away fr tis cousin of mine.
i dun even noe y kays.its all my fault as usual.
wtf.haik.nvm..she personally is a very quiet gal lah.
its not only me..she doesnt tok to ne1 else oso wad.
but juz cos im a yr older.means our bond WAS supposed to b stronger.
haik.i gt no comments pls.gimme a break.
every sunday always gt tis kind of confrontation n stuff
damn irritating lorh.but i still live wif it..
den thru out e journey hm..
there wasnt even any peace.car was damn noisy loh..
bro n dad were like chao-in abt sum minor matters.
sigh..dun lik tis to continnue.alwaye lidat 1.
but glad they all 4geed it aft a day..hmm.
all these made my mood last nite terrible..erts
den reached hm striaight away gt fone call.
summmore it was mine..sigh.
sorry 4 sounding so hmm.?i dunno wad?
juz atrocious la kay.reli sorry.
juz wasnt in e mood to tok at all.
i needed slp badly.sorry sorry kay.
n i reli din cry..tho i sound lik i did.yepp.m juz sorry.
perhaps nez time dun call me at nite.grins*
plunge into my bed.fell aslp.wifout even tinkin of wadsoever.ha
ltr going to MacRitchie.to train.
kaos.seriously dunn haf a break fr trng at all.
but nvm.i sorta enjoy it..
n in order to mk sure i can kp up wif e other x-country ple pace.
gt no choice but to work harder den e rest.lalala.sigh.
e no. of ple cumin 4 track as days go by are dropping.
wonder y?izzit cos of e CCA?coach?time?or wad??
tot our track team cld b as united..together as 1..
turning up 4 all trngs.juz like how others love their CCA as much..
but for track..haikx.duno whtr its seriously possible lorhs.
din like workout..800m*5..so strenueous.
sigh.whole body aching..yikes.
may nt b cos of yest trng solely.
perhaps i have been trng too much..
cos there's tis voice in my heart ringing..
"i mustnt give up.i muz continue.show others wad im reli capable of"
n yest.lin told me i cld b a x-country runner liao.
cos apparently i;ve proved him wrong wif all my timings?
he said to kp up e gd work.winks*
i was happy to b complimented.but...
i noe my limits.i shudnt have too high goals.
4 im sure i'll collapse 1 fine day.
as usual i still gt he negative feeling in me.but nvm..
tink im setting too high of an expectaions of myself..
tiring myself out by trng every single day?..
sighsigh.hu ask me lidat? no one did.
its in me..all i can say..lalala...sigh..
i love track.thats e only reason y i wana do so well.
n now..b4 trng.study.after trng.study agn.
juz happily stressing myself out.hahx.nvm.tink i can still cope.
cos i wana do well in both.CCA n academic.hmms.
tho studies more impt.but track is juz as impt to me.
i understood even more..wn sir toked to me on fri at east coast.
where sec 1s flew aeroplanes wifout turning up..
haik.dun blame em.i noe they're tired aft all lin's workout.
its alrite..now i noe y arent we getting so many things.
sigh.guess we dun deserve it.by e attitude we're giving towards track.
its our fault...im too blame esp.4 nt motivating sec 1s??
wadever.jux another failure.i dun care..
went suntec/marina aft trng..
went to bowl.haha.damn bang..
my score was like 119 kays..
so shocked.aft so long.skills still not rusty.
den all my uncles/aunties all say my bowling style v chio..
haha.so gracefuk.like swan.
wahahah.even video-taped lohs.blushes*
haah.cos my hand v straight mah.haha.
den went marche..ate lik a pig sia..
total of $388 kaes.so freag much.
btu we had $500 voucher..so its alrite loh..
23 of us.chalked up so much.
tink i ate too much.aft grow fat.haha.shudd lah.
den went to shop shop arnd..
cld hardly bring myself to move my legs.juz too tired.haix
den mum n jie asked me wad happened..
as in..y i drifted away fr tis cousin of mine.
i dun even noe y kays.its all my fault as usual.
wtf.haik.nvm..she personally is a very quiet gal lah.
its not only me..she doesnt tok to ne1 else oso wad.
but juz cos im a yr older.means our bond WAS supposed to b stronger.
haik.i gt no comments pls.gimme a break.
every sunday always gt tis kind of confrontation n stuff
damn irritating lorh.but i still live wif it..
den thru out e journey hm..
there wasnt even any peace.car was damn noisy loh..
bro n dad were like chao-in abt sum minor matters.
sigh..dun lik tis to continnue.alwaye lidat 1.
but glad they all 4geed it aft a day..hmm.
all these made my mood last nite terrible..erts
den reached hm striaight away gt fone call.
summmore it was mine..sigh.
sorry 4 sounding so hmm.?i dunno wad?
juz atrocious la kay.reli sorry.
juz wasnt in e mood to tok at all.
i needed slp badly.sorry sorry kay.
n i reli din cry..tho i sound lik i did.yepp.m juz sorry.
perhaps nez time dun call me at nite.grins*
plunge into my bed.fell aslp.wifout even tinkin of wadsoever.ha
ltr going to MacRitchie.to train.
kaos.seriously dunn haf a break fr trng at all.
but nvm.i sorta enjoy it..
n in order to mk sure i can kp up wif e other x-country ple pace.
gt no choice but to work harder den e rest.lalala.sigh.
the girl next door;
Monday, November 03, 2003
tossed n turned n flipped in bed laz nite..
reli cudnt put myself to slp..wonder y..
thinkin too much..im sad to say..
i've tried to forget..however..seems so impossible.
ltr cries and shoutings were heard from e living rm.
my bro was crying.
stating on how unfair it was..
dat he still had to go 2 grandma's hse despite his exams.
n wn its was mine.i din hadta go wn i din wana go.
wth.im sorry.u mkin me feel so guilty lehs.
but come to tink agn..its partly cos his exams are tmr.
n he is panicky.cos havent revised much.
yarhh.i will help him..oredi am..
but stimes.im nt gd enuf.to tuitor him.
juz another shibai jie..yikes.
wonder y i ever came to earth...
cos tormentment is all that fills me.hmms.
den my tuition tcher talked abt the communication btwn children n parents..
n it probably lead me astray...
hoping n prayin tt im no teh right track..
but i'll still get run over.if i were to juz sit there.
dunnoe wads wrong with me..
stressing myself out hellalot..
books pile higher n higher each day..
feel tt my results are not gd enuf.
cos now's e time to change 4 the better.
n dat i wld fare better next yr.
wana continue wif hcl.so i jolly well work harder.
i juz dun like to see e way im so slack.
so now im determined.so study reli reli hard..
n that Cs wldnt appear in my report bk..
juz got 1 more to get rid off..den will b the B4s.
hmms.sounds so highly of myself..
yepp.gues thats the way i am.winks*
change the perspective of me..yarhh.
dun ever tink i wana b bothered wif wad ple tink of me.
juz haf confidence..as it slowly builds in me.
dun lik e way u ple kp telling me wad to do..
wn deep inside...im allady trying very hard.
but u dun seem to understand..
rather not have holidays..
juz probably die of boredom at home rotting kays.
yucks!nvm.as i said.i wld study hard..
mms.will do well.wun let any1 down.
woah.dunnoe how many gazillion times i've said that.
ohwells.wadever..shall follow my timetable.
as in studying plan.wahahaha
dunno wad kind of a rubbish am i.hehx.
hahah.crapping away..shall go do research on my eng project.
cos doubt e others reli went hm to tink abt anytg.
haik.its alrite..will start on it myself.sigh.
reli cudnt put myself to slp..wonder y..
thinkin too much..im sad to say..
i've tried to forget..however..seems so impossible.
ltr cries and shoutings were heard from e living rm.
my bro was crying.
stating on how unfair it was..
dat he still had to go 2 grandma's hse despite his exams.
n wn its was mine.i din hadta go wn i din wana go.
wth.im sorry.u mkin me feel so guilty lehs.
but come to tink agn..its partly cos his exams are tmr.
n he is panicky.cos havent revised much.
yarhh.i will help him..oredi am..
but stimes.im nt gd enuf.to tuitor him.
juz another shibai jie..yikes.
wonder y i ever came to earth...
cos tormentment is all that fills me.hmms.
den my tuition tcher talked abt the communication btwn children n parents..
n it probably lead me astray...
hoping n prayin tt im no teh right track..
but i'll still get run over.if i were to juz sit there.
dunnoe wads wrong with me..
stressing myself out hellalot..
books pile higher n higher each day..
feel tt my results are not gd enuf.
cos now's e time to change 4 the better.
n dat i wld fare better next yr.
wana continue wif hcl.so i jolly well work harder.
i juz dun like to see e way im so slack.
so now im determined.so study reli reli hard..
n that Cs wldnt appear in my report bk..
juz got 1 more to get rid off..den will b the B4s.
hmms.sounds so highly of myself..
yepp.gues thats the way i am.winks*
change the perspective of me..yarhh.
dun ever tink i wana b bothered wif wad ple tink of me.
juz haf confidence..as it slowly builds in me.
dun lik e way u ple kp telling me wad to do..
wn deep inside...im allady trying very hard.
but u dun seem to understand..
rather not have holidays..
juz probably die of boredom at home rotting kays.
yucks!nvm.as i said.i wld study hard..
mms.will do well.wun let any1 down.
woah.dunnoe how many gazillion times i've said that.
ohwells.wadever..shall follow my timetable.
as in studying plan.wahahaha
dunno wad kind of a rubbish am i.hehx.
hahah.crapping away..shall go do research on my eng project.
cos doubt e others reli went hm to tink abt anytg.
haik.its alrite..will start on it myself.sigh.
the girl next door;
LYNETTE ♥
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October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
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April 2006
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January 2007
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January 2008
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March 2008
April 2008
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June 2008
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April 2009
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July 2009
CREDITS
layout: ineedahugandoh;
Images: #
brushes: ##