a race i totally screwed up today. all that i;ve been trng hard for. all that perserverence in my trngs. yet, this is what we get. i cant help but cry as much as i promised myself not too. i wanted to break my pB. but guess what? i ran 20 secs slower that my fastest! and this is competition for goodnesss sake. i really feel like racing again.. i know i never gave it my best shot. i really couldnt push. i had really bad gastrics. regretted drinking so much water. but i was really very hungry =/ i felt awfully dumb. feeling so paranoid all these time. etg seemed to go wrong. and i just cant face anyone tmr. im so afraid i'll just start crying again.. so much disappointment. mrlin says he's not upset. but whats the truth. i've got no idea. we wanted to prove him we cld do it. we wanted to show how muhc power crescent track had. but what happened? now the school will just continue being baised towards us. run mass run altho have competitions. smth i'll never forget. freak. its a disappointment today. i so pissed with myself too. its like we expected at least a foourth u know. and perhaps it was our fault for bring over confident? but we werent actually. pressure was there. cos mrlin said he believed in us. and he is the one i feel i let down the most. he;s been trying so hard to make us the champions. but each time we keep letting him down. despite the strong mentality he instill in us. we cant even repay him. yes i think he's a superb coach. he really is. he's done his part for crescent. alot alot! i wanna win a competition. for his sake. cos i really think hr deserves to be rewarded to. just when we thought we cld prove him right in his confidence in us. i guess i was wrong. what can i do? train harder? btu really, i need a break from track. i cant go on trng like sum idiot. neglected my studies cos of Nats. but i foolishly screwed it up. there's so many IF ONLYs. but really there aint no point crying over spilled milk. i know it has been my foolishness all this while. but just as im typing this, i really cant hold back my tears. the more i think of it the sadder i am. history is totally repeating itself. just like last year. everyone tells us there's always next year. but no one will really understand this disappointment and sadness we are experiencing after this major failure. its like i really cant describe my disappointment in myself lor. i cant keep strong. i really needed to cry out my feelings. and just as i recovered, we saw joan. and she stared at us. i still remeber wat she said la. "cheer up, dun be so sad. just now i saw the way miaoqun ran, i almost cried for u all" den kingyin staretd crying, and so did i. really wanted to hide in the toilet. cos everyone pinned HIGH hopes on us. really high. and we just let every single one down. eso those who came down all the way to support.. yes but i really did appreciated it kaes. esp the sec 3 trackerrs. the poster u did for me was lovely. i really liked it. thanks so much for ur encouragement. but right now. i cant keep myself smiliing. too many setbacks. im utterly saddened. i dunno how long i can continue living in track. and right now, i;ve gotta concentrrate on my studies. cos all tchers been telling me my results dropped alot. sobs:( im so irritated with myself. i cant stop thinking about todays race. and it totally knocked me outta mood to study tonight. im just gg to cry my hearts out. hopefully i'll feel better. but i know, its gg to take days to get over this failure. im really sorry kaes. apologising here hoping i'll feel better. but its not goig to help. cos the sense of UN-accomplishment it there. there;s just this thing in my head that's telling me how dumb i am. so i really gotta let out my true feelings. and yes, im SAD. -cries. anyways, i really like to thank all those who came down to support us kays. im really grateful. but sorry i.ve let all of ur down with my shit timing. but i'll try to work harder. i just need at short break. of at least a week. sorry. and there's still OM competition on fri and sat. yes but i'll put in my best effort of OM.